How to Deal With Family Rejection After Coming Out

⚠️ Trigger Warning & Support Resources:

This article discusses family rejection, mental health challenges, and substance use. Please take care of yourself while reading.

If you are struggling or thinking about suicide, you are not alone and support is available:

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.): Call or text 988 for free, confidential support, 24/7.

The Trevor Project: Call 1-866-488-7386, text START to 678-678, or use the online chat at thetrevorproject.org for LGBTQ+ youth support.

If outside the U.S., you can find international hotlines at findahelpline.com

————————————————————————————————-

One of the most common struggles people of the LGBTQ+ community face is the risk or concern of family rejection upon coming out.

A 2018 study on mental health outcomes of LGBT youth found that a staggering 44% of those in state custody “were removed, ran away, or were thrown out of their home for reasons directly related to their identity.”[1]

Family rejection is a major factor behind mental health concerns amongst LGBTQ+ adults and youth both, and with good reason. In many cultures and across society, the view is held that family should provide unconditional love. When that isn’t someone’s lived reality, yet is of course their hope, rejection can be one of the hardest experiences.

In this post, we’ll take a closer look at why family rejection happens and what emotional impact it can have. We’ll also look at means for coping with and overcoming family rejection, how to set boundaries and find healthy support systems, and if/when to consider reconnecting with your family members.

Why Family Rejection Happens After Coming Out

There are a number of reasons for the family rejection LGBT youth and adults experience after coming out, including (but not limited to): [2]

• Implicit or explicit negative attitudes toward LGBTQ+ identities. Particularly in religious or conservative households or communities, parents, grandparents, and even siblings may hold strong beliefs that cast a negative light on any sexuality that differs from heterosexual identities.
• Expectations of heterosexuality. Many parents expect their daughters to grow up to be attracted to and marry men, and their sons to grow up to be attracted to and marry women. When those sons or daughters come out, it can shatter often unstated expectations, which can lead to not just surprise, but negative reactions.
• Concerns for the child’s wellbeing. For many, particularly of older generations, there are fears that children who differ from heterosexual norms will face rejection by society, and by extension, the family may feel they are also rejected. They often fear their child will face stigma or rejection and can sometimes, if not often, project those fears as rejection. Even though some parents will claim “they are just protecting their child” by discouraging their identity, these actions can be deeply harmful and cause trauma.
• Ignorance and misinformation. Many people not of the LGBTQ+ community fail to understand how important sexuality and identity is to a person’s mental and emotional health. They react out of ignorance, fear, or based on faulty or incomplete information, rather than from a place of empathy or a desire to understand. This is an explanation, not an excuse.
• Instinctive reactions. For parents who have expectations of heterosexuality, a child’s coming out may trigger confusion and feelings of grief. Some may respond with anger while struggling to process their feelings and this may show up as anger or withdrawal.
• Internalized homophobia or transphobia. The way many older generations were raised with society norms, can instill in them a subtle, hard-to-recognize stigma of homophobia or transphobia. These uncomfortable feelings can lead them to project their own insecurities or fears onto their child.

These are just a few of the things that may cause a parent to lash out—the reactions to a child’s coming out will be incredibly varied, because every person is made up of their own myriad thoughts, beliefs, and perspectives.

The Emotional Impact of Rejection on LGBTQ+ Individuals

The emotional impact and mental health implications of rejection on LGBTQ+ youth – and even adults – can be immense.

Family rejection can inflict deep psychological wounds, leading to more struggles with self-esteem and self worth. Many people who have experienced family rejection may hesitate or struggle to seek help or support for fear of further rejection.

Family rejection is strongly associated with increased risk of depression, anxiety, isolation, and suicidal thoughts. Both youth and adults who face rejection are at increased risk for mental health challenges.

Some people in the LGBTQ+ community turn to substances—drugs and/or alcohol—as a means to cope from the pain of that hurt and rejection. Though the substances provide a temporary, convenient escape, they can have serious long-term consequences for those who use them, including reliance, addiction, and myriad health problems that result from consumption.

To compound the problem, substance abuse can worsen existing mental health problems (like depression and anxiety), which can in turn cause people to seek more, and rely on, substances to numb the emotional turmoil. It creates a vicious downward spiral that perhaps began with family rejection.

Setting Boundaries with Family and Protecting Your Mental Health

In order to protect your mental health, you may need distance, limited contact or, have to cut off ties with your family after rejection. For some this may mean cutting ties temporarily; for others, it may mean setting firm boundaries while maintaining some contact or communication.

How can you go about setting these boundaries?

• Acknowledge your feelings. It’s okay to be confused, angry, hurt, scared, sad, or anything else as a result of your family’s rejection. Your feelings are valid. Allow those feelings to exist, experience them, and process them as best you can. Seek help if you need it, especially if you find yourself turning toward substances (not just alcohol or drugs) as a coping mechanism.
• Identify your support systems. Finding and building supportive relationships with healthy people who accept and love you for who you are. This can provide you with so much validation and support. These healthy people can quite literally be life-savers. (See the next section for more on this).
• Understand your worth. Your family may have rejected you because of one aspect of your life, but that’s not all you are. Family rejection does not define you. Build your sense of self-respect, self-worth, and self-identity on everything you are, and you’ll find it’s a foundation stronger than rejection.
• Plan ahead. If you’re going to be socializing with family (such as on holidays or at family gatherings), take time to plan ahead. Think of topics of conversation that can help create feelings of safety, and support your wellbeing. This might look like picking neutral “safe” topics to reduce stress. Plan for self-care before and after, making time and space for your feelings. Identify potential triggers and try to come up with safe responses or boundaries that are healthy.
• Know what you’re willing to talk about. Establish these expectations and permissions right off the bat. If your family can’t respect your choices—even in terms of conversations—it may be better to create healthy boundaries and step back from contact for a time until they can.
• Be ready to excuse yourself. If you find the situation growing heated or conflict escalating, excuse yourself and leave guilt-free. It is usually helpful to always have a back-up plan for transportation and lodging just in case things go sideways. Create boundaries that work for you and if you determine, offer your family a chance to engage and connect with you, while remaining prepared in case they don’t.

Everyone has to set boundaries in their own ways. What matters is that you do set them—they can protect your health and wellbeing when dealing with an unaccepting family.

Finding Support Systems Beyond Your Biological Family

There are so many healthy people around you that can be your “chosen family”, the people you lean on for support even when your biological family rejects you.

These people can include:

• Peers and others who are likewise struggling;
• Therapists, counselors, and mental health professionals;
• Older members of the LGBTQ+ community who have experienced similar rejections;
• LGBTQ+ community support groups, both online and in person;
• People you meet at local LGBTQ+ centers;
• Friends who love and accept you.

You may also find support outside your immediate family: to your cousins, aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, or even your in-laws. When these relatives are allies, they can offer love, advice, and support.

The Role of Chosen Family in Healing and Belonging

In some cases, biological families do come around to accepting those who have come out. However, it’s not a guarantee, and may not happen quickly.

Chosen families, however, can provide critical emotional support for LGBTQ+ people, especially if biological family members are not yet accepting. Chosen families often play a vital role in offering love and belonging.

One 2021 study on LGBTQ+ refugees found that chosen family was associated with words like:

• Trusting;
• Like-minded;
• Loving;
• Welcoming;
• Understanding;
• Committed.

As one study participant said, “Alternative family for me is extremely important. It is important to create an inclusive, safe, beautiful place in nature and with nature. Because I personally find it’s not enough to have a biological family that is one part of our life. It’s important but not sufficient. Chosen family is like a collective of like-minded people where you can have dialogue together and support each other to be able to give your shoulders to others and also put your head on others shoulder.”

What a powerful insight into the vital role chosen families play in creating acceptance and belonging in LGBTQ+ families.

When and How to Reconnect With Family (If You Choose To)

You should only reconnect with your family if and when you are ready.

Rejection can cause deep hurt, and healing takes time and care. You are worth it and healing takes time, attention, and active work. Reconnecting too soon can bring all that pain back up, leading to a resurgence of those same self-esteem, self-worth, and identity issues.

Reconnection doesn’t always mean full disclosure. Before you reconnect, consider what level of safety and openness you need. For some, reconnection feels possible only if they can share their full truth; for others, limited contact without those discussions may still feel worthwhile.

Reflect on why both you and they are seeking reconnection, and whether it comes from genuine care or from guilt or pressure. There is no right or wrong, it’s your relationship and your safety.

You can choose the method that suits you best to reestablish connection: in person, or via email, phone calls, video calls, text messages, or even handwritten letters.

When the time comes to actually reconnect, approaching with a mindset of forgiveness and compassion may help create a space for rebuilding the relationship. Go at your own pace and with healthy boundaries. Honor yourself and your process without judgement as much as possible.

Therapeutic Support: Finding LGBTQ+-Affirming Counseling

Counseling and therapy can be an invaluable resource for navigating family rejection and supporting your mental health. Unprocessed pain and grief can increase the risk of anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and/or substance use.

Healing often means finding your way back to yourself – sometimes for the first time. It also often involves processing pain, and LGBTQ+ affirming counselors can be a powerful resource to support that process.

A vetted counselor, trained in dealing with issues specific to the LGBTQ+ community can be one path towards greater self-love, greater safety within yourself, and the possibility of health and happiness if that aligns with your personal goals.

Wrapping Up

The family rejection LBGTQ+ youth and adults experience can be deeply painful and may lead to a wide range of mental, emotional, and even physical health issues.

It can be very helpful to seek support- not only from friends and allies, but also professionals who are trained and familiar with these issues. With healthy, affirming support, healing is possible and you can grow healthier, more connected to yourself, your community, and if you wish, your chosen family, biological or not.

If you’re struggling, you are not alone:

• Call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.) for 24/7 free, confidential support.
• For LGBTQ+ youth: The Trevor Project offers phone (1-866-488-7386), text (START to 678-678), and online chat support at thetrevorproject.org.
• Outside the U.S.: Visit findahelpline.com to connect with international hotlines.

Healing from rejection takes time and care, and part of that process is giving your mind and body what they need most—supportive relationships, self-compassion, and truly restorative sleep to rebuild resilience from the inside out.

If you need an additional sleep booster, check out our premium sleep supplement. Restore Sleep formula is the only formula of its kind on the market that combines the 7 most powerful forms of chelated magnesium as well as includes two additional nutrients, including L-Theanine, that boost the effectiveness of this supplement to help achieve deep restorative sleep, enhance cognitive function and improve the relaxation response. 

​

Click here to learn more about Restore Sleep and how it can change your life for the better through providing your body with the best magnesium complex to improve your brain function, sleep quality and relaxation response.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the psychological effects of parental rejection?

There are myriad psychological effects stemming from parental rejection. [3] In the short term, effects may include emotional pain, sadness, mental exhaustion, confusion, feelings of isolation or loneliness, acting out, and becoming withdrawn. In the long term, effects can include fear of commitment, fear of intimacy, emotional unavailability, trust difficulties, dismissal of others’ emotions, jealousy, needy behavior, social inhibition, and rejection sensitivity.

What are the stages of estrangement?

In 2018, one therapist posited a framework with five stages of estrangement, modeled after the five stages of grief. These stages are: shock, despair, acceptance, transformation, and maintenance. This is one perspective, and people’s experiences differ.

What is an unhealthy parent-adult-child relationship?

Signs of an unhealthy parent-adult-child relationship may include manipulation, belittling of your feelings, being quick to label disagreements as disrespect, constant criticism of you and/or your actions, blaming you for their emotions or problems, lack of affirmation and support, distance or poor connection, and co-dependency.

Sources

The Impact of Family Rejection on LGBTQ+ Mental Health and Substance Use

How LGBTQ Adults Maintain Ties with Rejecting Parents: Theorizing “Conflict Work” as Family Work

The Grief No One Talks About After Coming Out

How To Deal With Unaccepting Family if You’re LGBTQ+